205: What Can You Give Yourself More Credit For?

Hi everyone, I’m Dr. Marie Murphy, and I’m a non-judgmental infidelity coach.  If you are engaging in anything you think counts as infidelity, I can help you deal with your feelings, clarify what you want, and make decisions about what you’re going to do.  No shame, no blame, no judgments.  If you are ready to resolve your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about, there are two ways you can have me as your coach.  You can enroll in my online course, You’re Not the Only One, which contains teachings and assignments that go beyond what I offer on the podcast.  Or we can work together one-on-one via Zoom.  To get started on either of these options, go my website, mariemurphyphd.com.  Let’s find you some relief and a clear path forward.

As 2024 comes to a close, I want to invite you to think about all of the things you’ve done well, or you’re proud of yourself for within the past year.  This can be a really useful thing to do for a lot of reasons, but the specific reason why I’m suggesting you do this is because I see a lot of folks beating themselves up for whatever they’re doing in the infidelity department.  People do this to varying degrees, of course.  Some people don’t beat themselves up at all for whatever they’re doing, infidelity-wise.  And some people give themselves a hard time, but not too often, or not too hard of a time when they do it.  But some folks are mercilessly cruel to themselves.  Some folks basically go around telling themselves that they’re a worthless human being because they are doing the very bad cheating thing, and this becomes their primary narrative about themselves.

And this, quite simply, is not a helpful way to relate to yourself!  It’s not kind, it’s not compassionate, it’s not a lot of things, but perhaps most importantly, it really isn’t helpful to tell yourself you’re a terrible person for doing whatever you’re doing.  It really isn’t helpful to give yourself a really hard time.

Now, it is completely fair to recognize that you want to make some changes in your life.  If you’re engaging in infidelity and you don’t like that, if you don’t feel good about what you’re doing, that’s fair enough.  But recognizing that you want to make changes in how you’re living is very different from beating yourself up for living how you’ve been living, or for doing whatever you’re currently doing.  

If you’ve been listening to this podcast for a while, you’ve probably heard me say this before: it’s really hard to shame yourself or should yourself or scold yourself into making sustainable, positive changes.  Self-acceptance and self-love are far better motivators of change than self-reproach, or self-loathing.

So even if it sounds like heresy to practice easing off of giving yourself a hard time if you’re engaging in infidelity, I want you to consider that doing this may be one of the most pragmatic things you can do if what you want is to resolve your situation in a manner that you consider ethical.  It may sound like a contradiction – or an impossibility - but it’s a lot easier to change something you’re doing that you feel bad about when you feel good about yourself.

Now, feeling good about yourself doesn’t necessarily mean that you think everything you’re doing or have ever done is 100% awesome.  That isn’t the point.  There’s a difference between radically accepting your humanity, however “flawed” you think it may be, and giving yourself a free pass on doing things that you don’t really want to be doing.  

Acknowledging the humanity of your behavior is not the same thing as making excuses for your behavior.  Some people will tell you that it is, but I respectfully AND VEHEMENTLY disagree.

And loving and accepting yourself not in spite of but because of your so-called flaws or imperfections is so often the missing ingredient in making changes in our behavior that we really want to make.  I could give you a loooonnnnggggg explanation as to why this is, but instead of doing that, I want to encourage you to try this out and see how it works for you.  You may find that it actually does work, and is pretty helpful.

So here’s what I want you to do.  I want you to think about what you can give yourself credit for.  Having parameters can be helpful, so think about what you can give yourself credit for within the past year.

If you immediately want to protest and say, “Well, I CAN’T give myself credit for anything because I’m cheating on and lying to someone who loves me and I’m doing the big bad awful thing and that defines me and I can’t give myself credit for anything,” here’s what I want you to do.  I want you consider that that sort of idea MIGHT be true, but also might NOT be true.  Maybe, just maybe, it is possible and okay for you to give yourself some credit for being the wonderful human who you are – even if you also don’t like what you’re doing, infidelity-wise.

We have such extreme attitudes about infidelity in our society, so I completely understand why some people become convinced that if they’re cheating, they are by definition a terrible person, and a COMPLETELY terrible person.  I understand why some people absorb the idea that infidelity defines them completely.  But I want to suggest that it doesn’t.  No matter how much you dislike the fact that you’re engaging in infidelity, there are still so many other aspects of who you are.  Your humanity is not defined by your infidelity.

So to that effect, answer this question for yourself.  What can you give yourself credit for in your life, outside of your infidelity situation?  Limit your focus to the past year.  Maybe your infidelity situation has been going on for more than a year, maybe it’s been going on for less than a year, but don’t worry about that for now.  What are you proud of yourself for?  What can you give yourself credit for, or more credit for?

If you find it easy to answer those questions, great.  But if you’re having a hard time, I encourage you to start REALLY small.  For instance, if you have a job, have you managed to accomplish the basic tasks that are required of you in the past year?  That IS an accomplishment.  Have you managed to brush your teeth every day?  That’s an accomplishment too.  Have you put food on the table for yourself and others, either by obtaining and preparing that food yourself, or by funding the provision of food?  This is important stuff.  If you take care of humans or animals, have you been able to do the things you need to do for them at least reasonably effectively?  If you have, that’s big.  We live in a world in which we think accomplishments need to be DRAMATIC.  And sure, dramatic accomplishments can be pretty cool.  But doing the basic work that goes into sustaining our own existence and that of others is quite literally essential!  And it’s worth being proud of ourselves when we get the basic stuff of life done.

And I bet you’ve done a lot more than get the basic stuff of life done.  I bet you’ve lived by your values in many ways, even if not in EVERY way.  I bet you’ve engaged in relationships with people you care about in ways you’re really proud of – even if you have done that 100% of the time.  I bet you’ve contributed to your community.  I bet you’ve brought joy to others.  I bet you’ve taken the time to do things that bring you delight.

Think broadly and expansively about what you can be proud of yourself for.  Challenge yourself to come up with more and more things that you can be proud of yourself for.  

Now I want you to ask yourself what you can give yourself credit for WITHIN your infidelity situation.  What are you proud of yourself for within your infidelity situation?

Remember, you’re answering these questions in the privacy of your own mind.  Nobody needs to know what you’re thinking but you.  So if your answer to my question is that you’re really proud of yourself for doing some really devious, duplicitous stuff and not getting caught, that’s great.  That’s a totally legitimate answer!  All answers are welcome, and if they’re coming to you easily, terrific.

If you’re having a harder time thinking about what you can give yourself credit for or be proud of yourself for within your infidelity situation, consider this.  You’ve probably learned A LOT within your infidelity situation.  You’ve probably discovered new parts of yourself, or new capacities within yourself.  You may have shown yourself that you’re capable of loving someone like you never thought you could.  You may have shown yourself that you have the capacity to experience desire and lust and pleasure – sexual and otherwise – in ways you never imagined you could.  Deepening your capacity to connect with other humans in ways you consider meaningful might be something you want to give yourself a LOT of credit for, even if this has occurred within the context of you doing something you don’t think is 100% okay.

Remember, people: more than one thing can be true at once.  We can do things we’re ambivalent about doing, and we can also learn things about ourselves and what it means to be human from doing those things that we might not have had the chance to learn any other way.  We can do things that other people in our lives might be upset by or disapprove of, and we can be uncomfortable with that, but we can also remember that the point of being human is not to be perfect.  And with that, we can respect the fact that we may grow in amazing ways when we’re doing things we “aren’t supposed to” be doing.  We can be proud of ourselves for things we do within the context of doing things we consider a little dubious.

And of course, if you want to resolve your infidelity situation in a manner that allows you to both honor your desires and stop doing things that are out of alignment with your values, you can give yourself a LOT of credit for taking whatever steps you’ve taken in that direction.  And don’t try to tell me you haven’t taken any steps in that direction.  If you’re listening to this podcast episode, that is at least SOMETHING.  If you want to do more, that’s great.  I applaud you for that, and I encourage you to do that.  AND for just this moment, focus on giving yourself credit for what you have already done, rather than focusing on what you haven’t done yet.

And of course, don’t let these prompts I’ve given you be your stopping point.  Keep thinking about what you can be proud of yourself for.  Keep thinking about what you can give yourself credit for.

People sometimes try to tell me that if they feel good about themselves, they won’t stop cheating.  Or that if they don’t feel bad about themselves for doing whatever they’re doing that counts as infidelity, they won’t stop doing it.  I know these kinds of ideas are out there and they’re super common and there aren’t many dominant alternatives to these ways of thinking, so we tend to accept them as the truth, because there just doesn’t seem to be any other way we could think.  Here’s what I see with my clients: feeling better about themselves helps them do what they consider to be the right thing.  Or the right things, plural.  Feeling good about themselves helps them make choices and changes that are aligned with their values and priorities and desires.  Embracing their humanity – so-called “flaws” and so-called “bad behavior” and all – helps them move forward and deal with their infidelity situations in a deliberate way, rather than staying stuck in a pit of guilt or shame or self-loathing, or all of the above and then some.

And for the folks who don’t feel guilty about engaging in infidelity, feeling good about themselves and recognizing the legitimacy of their human desires often helps them see the value in making clear decisions about how they handle their business.  

That’s kind of another topic, and it’s one I don’t want to get into right now.  For now, I want you to consider that there might be great value in applauding yourself.  In regarding yourself in a positive way.  In allowing more than one thing to be true at once: you can dislike some things you’re doing, without rejecting yourself.  You can dislike some things you’re doing, and also see that they don’t define you.  No matter how un-thrilled you are with some of your behavior, you can still find reasons to like yourself and love yourself and accept yourself.  And from this place, you will find that it is so much easier to make changes in your life.  Especially changes that you consider difficult.  

But this only works if you use it, so I really want you to actively give yourself credit for things.  Actively be proud of yourself for things.  Listening to me say all of this stuff is fine and good.  But you actually doing this with yourself and for yourself is where it all really happens.  So try it and see.  If you’ve been beating yourself up and think that’s helping you somehow, you can always go back to doing that if you like.  But I encourage you to set that aside for a little while and try giving yourself some credit instead.

Okay everybody, I wish you a good end to 2024.  I wish you the capacity to love yourself and respect the fullness of your humanity.  And I wish you the fortitude that loving yourself and respecting yourself can bring.

And of course, if you want my help dealing with your infidelity situation in a way that you feel great about, there’s a way that I can help you instantly, or pretty close to instantly.  When you enroll in my online course, You’re Not the Only One, you get access to teachings and assignments that go beyond what I offer on the podcast.  If you want more of my radical compassion and no-nonsense tough love and you want it right now, I invite you to enroll in You’re Not the Only One, and you can do that through my website, mariemurphyphd.com.  And if you want to work with me one-on-one via Zoom, we can do that too, although we probably can’t do it instantly.  If you want to work with me one-on-one, book yourself an introductory coaching session through my website.  I can’t wait to meet you.

Thank you all so much for listening!  Bye for now.